Wednesday , 21 November 2018
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Cannon Fodder : Ramble On…


Apologies for the almost languid start to the blog but a night of alcohol fuelled revelry does that to a man, especially if it involves waking up in an unknown bed wrapped in a suspiciously itchy blanket… So do forgive if I sound a tad indolent.

Who gives a rodent’s furry arse about the economic cess pool that is the EU while their best & brightest can dazzles us with their array of their abilities to put foot to ball? Those meandering clown bankers & their idiocy of buying house loans from meth addicts and selling them in the form of “prime investments” can all vanish into a wisp of bovine flatulence so long as those gods on the green keep that ball moving. The hypnotic motion of the spherical object is the only thing that matters……provided the alcohol keeps flowing.

You feel it don’t you? Of course you would….any sane football fan would agree

While I was waxing eloquent about the Euros and the scrumptious goals on display, you were sitting there idly twiddling your thumbs assuming I was glued to the telly for every one of the Euro matches. Well, I wasn’t. A tad anti-climatic isn’t it? Of course there’s a perfectly decent reason behind this blasphemous behaviour. I could yammer on about my set top box and avaricious television networks but that would barely be relevant to the cannon we all love and worship.

Let’s move onto something more relevant shall we?

There’s much ado over a certain Dutch striker in the media and among the gunning horde, will his recent performances decrease his value? Could this turn off other clubs from sniffing around? Will he accept Arsene’s contract and play on with the gunners? Will the Old Lady seduce him? Or will it be the blue sheiks from Manchester?
This idle chatter has now reached deafening levels…. Forums, clubs and any gathering of gunners seem to play host to this seemingly all important topic. There’s obviously no logical consensus as there really is no (real) news from the concerned parties.

Regarding the shambolic string of performances from the Dutch….I’m not quite certain how much one can infer from them but personally I’ll be hoping that “Robin has an epiphany and realizes that he can never fit into any club other than the glorious gunners and wholeheartedly puts pen to paper” but who can really fathom the weird ways in which the footballer’s brain works. The professional football playing variant of the Homo Sapiens (Homo Footballis, patent pending) are probably the most unpredictable species on the earth. Maybe it’s the heady concoction of fame, women and bags of cash that does it to them, or maybe you just have to have a few vital cogs missing up top to be an awesome footballer. I’m not certain; it would probably make a good research topic though….

But hopes and wild speculation apart, the facts don’t tally up, the most worrying is that RVP has been taking advice from the vile cretin who specializes in nicking players from Arsenal. That can’t really bode well for the club who are intent on retaining his services, can it? For those who still haven’t figured out whom I am referring to, kindly look up Dein, Darren son of a person who is synonymous with Arsenal’s success story. David Dein’s misbegotten spawn’s “activities” have been affecting the club adversely for a while now. Having devilish Darren whispering sweet nothings of beautiful Spanish woman & giant pay cheques in the ears of your players can’t be healthy for the club. I wonder if Arsenal could get a collective restraining order to keep his malignant influence at bay. Maybe Nicky B. could do us a favor and run Dein Jr. over in his Aston Martin DBS. Well, I can hope can’t I….

Pucker up...Sugar lips!!!!

"Pucker up...Sugar lips!!!!"

Speaking of the Danish striker, his recent (okayish) showing in the Euros has sparked talks from the panicked Goonerish parish of standing in for the Robin, if the Dutchman does put on his proverbial coat and head for the exit.
I consider the idea flawed, for a very simple reason. I belong to the school of thought that believes that the most fundamental requisite for playing the role of striker is ‘pace’ and ‘touch’. Allow me to elucidate; an attacker needs numerous specific skills to be successful (viz. Deposit the ball in the back of the opposition’s net at a relatively high frequency) namely;

  • Speed – The ability to cover ground quickly both with and without the ball.
  • Ball Control – The name says everything, doesn’t need any explanation.
  • Positional awareness – The innate ability to know where to be and when precisely to be there.
  • Finish Ability – Again, simple enough, somewhat synonymous with ball-control. Whatever it takes for the ball to end up in the back of the net.
  • High Work Rate – Never has a successful striker been lazy.
  • The ability to Improvise – As a striker, much depends on spot decisions made in the fraction of a second, most people really don’t plan on whether to go with a bicycle kick of a sweet chip over the keeper’s upraised arms, so creativity, a little audacity and the ability to make spur of the moment decisions are truly vital.

Think of these as the ‘core’ abilities one would require to be a relatively decent striker; no doubt you could think many more attributes (confidence, vision etc.) to add to the list but I digress from the topic: The Danish B-52 bomber (pun intended). Unfortunately little Nicky fails to tick most of the aforementioned boxes, at least not a level that commensurate to the EPL. Perhaps a return to the championship would suit him but I fear that the league would be smothered by his gargantuan ego. His statements regarding Arsenal & Arsene have really not won him any fans either. Methinks the sooner we unload his worthless carcass the better.

I did plan on saying some more but what the hell….its Sunday.

About Varun Chand

Full time nothing doer and part-time Engineer (supposedly). I really hate the Arsenal and that's why I spend so much of time writing/talking/discussing/debating about them. I enjoy mocking YOU because it's fun.


  1. Less late night boozing and earlier bedtime resulting in a clear mind and head in the morning wo
    uld  enable another Arsenal blogger to blog coherently instead of posting drunken hogwash here?

  2. evidently u disgaree with something I’ve written…care to point it out?

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