Friday , 24 November 2017
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Cannon Fodder: Once upon a time in Goonerland

Hearken to me, Gooners great and small!!!! I bring news of Goonerland. Evil times have fallen upon our fair kingdom; the king of Gallic descent sits forlorn on his throne as a drought ravages the land, leaving its already impoverished denizens (their taxes to the throne were the highest in middle earth!) annoyed and miserable. The recent skirmishes against the Canary bandits has left the soldiers worse for wear and even the diminutive general who is said to wield twin rapiers of equally awesome power was swarmed by the enemies clad in the foul yellow. Hope runs low and the common folk look to the horizon for a hero, legend has it that he will ride in and save the kingdom from the evil German warriors who threaten all that the king has tried to build. It is said that the hero of prophecy wears the sacred number “10” emblazoned on his holy red armour, the very same number once borne by a wondrous wizard from the land of tulips and clogs, he who amazed one and all with his mastery of the arts in times long past, but lo… even this hero of the past had one flaw; he could never fly on the wings of the mighty steel birds that served the king and his troops.

The legend goes on to state that the young hero will ride in carrying the magical sword of youth and smite all those who….erm…deserve smiting. The dark creatures of lands East and their miserable brethren rule in wickedness across the sea covet the lad’s power as his mastery of the beautiful art waxes. The evil ones, beings of pure darkness shall try to lure Goonerland’s young hero with ill-gotten black gold mined by orcs and goblins in strange desert lands. Their dark schemes hatched in the infernal light of the netherworld have worked to bring misery and anger to those of Goonerland in times past.

But the wise king knew of the soul-less creatures and their malevolent ways. He realized that their ways would herald naught but evil times of bankruptcy and debt, forced by circumstance the king then made a dark pact with the higher powers of riches and wealth for 700,000,000 pieces of gold and gems and set forth to build a great fortress that would protect Goonerland until the end of time itself. The colossal citadel was christened “The Grove”, and was baptized by the hero of old when he chose to leave the land for he felt his age in his bones and knew that his time was near in spite of his genius. The common-folk were torn between sorrow and elation and cried bittersweet tears lamenting the departure of their hero while celebrating their new stronghold that promised a golden future for the land.

But unknown to all, king’s dark pact with powers which are not-to-be-named would suffer the terrible curse that would make him forsake his ability to strengthen the royal garrison that defends the land; in addition the king would have to suffer charlatans and fools, the likes of Squillaci of Loose Foot, Bentdner of Feeble Brain and Chamakh of Ridiculous Hair wrought havoc among their own troops and the king suffered in stony silence.

The prophets of old spoketh thusly: In spite of the advances of the evil ones, our young hero shall stay true to his hearth and love the land that birthed him. He will honour his king by leading the imperial army which would boast of many a mighty warrior: A minotaur called the Ox, the General of the Twin rapiers, a lanky assassin whose gaze made the goonerettes weak in the knees, an anachronistic cyborg who went by the name :Verminator and a pair of Germanic fighters hell bent on crushing all in their path with their ruthless efficiency. The hero and his mighty band will ride forth to conquer many strange lands beyond the sea.

The prophen took a breath and swing of vodka before speaking these words: A great fort of troglodytes and traitors will be overcome by the Gunning army in a battle that will cause gods and titans alike to come crumbling to the ground. At long last, the filthy troglodytes will fall! The head of their insane chieftain, Sandro Rosell will be mounted on a bloody spike outside the Grove to strike fear into the hearts of all who dare oppose the power of the Gunners.
Thus the adolescent hero will usher Goonerland into an era of prosperity and countless goblets of gold and silver, which will surpass anything seen before.

Or so I saw in my vision, I’m guessing it was a by-product of the weird concoction of almonds, dates and rotis.

So…No pressure Jackie boy, no pressure at all.

The Hero returns.....maybe

The Hero returns…..maybe (Image owned by “The Telegraph”, No I’m not a thieving scum-bag)

I figured that enough bloggers, fans and hacks the world over have declared Arsenal’s performance as ‘shite’ and compared our consistency in the league to diarrhea, so I thought I’d try and cheer you lot up, hope you enjoyed that little yarn. If you didn’t, there’s a good chance that you probably are a troglodyte yourself….. (Or a Catalanophile which is worse)

The upcoming game Schalke will be a chance for Wenger and squad to redeem themselves after an abysmal showing at Carrow Road. A victory could prove to be a much needed morale booster for the fans and players alike. The defeat itself was merely the loss of three points, but the manner in which the team chose to crumble irked one and all. A painfully average Norwich side still suffering from the loss of Lambert (Yep, I expect big things from him) shuffled away with a victory after Tommy V and his boys decided to roll over and play dead.

I’ll confess my ignorance about the German side but the little I do know promises that they will be wily customers who’ll be looking for a victory especially since they won the famous Revierderby against Dortmund at the intimidating Signal Iduna Park which is no mean feat, or so sayeth one of my mates who’s a rather intense gooner himself. What I do know is that Ibrahim Afellay is on loan to Schalke, again I’m not too certain that he is in the starting XI but of his talent I am quite certain and if he isn’t on the pitch I shudder to think of the strike force that is good enough to keep him on the bench. Huntelaar too is not one to shrugged off. Mert and Tommy V definitely have their tasks cut out for them.

Lapses in concentration will be punished as I reckon they will certainly try to take us on by playing an attacking game rather than opting to sit back and hope to exploit the gaps. As strong as the Germans are, our current squad definitely has what it takes to beat them, the lads merely need to dig deep and focus on the task at hand.

Rather than wallowing in a dreary soup of rage and pessimism, the fans should get behind a team that really needs their support, putting the fear of a supernatural entity into the opposition is an added bonus too!

 

About Varun Chand

Profile photo of Varun Chand
Full time nothing doer and part-time Engineer (supposedly). I really hate the Arsenal and that's why I spend so much of time writing/talking/discussing/debating about them. I enjoy mocking YOU because it's fun.

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